she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
