I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
someone owes me an orgasm
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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