I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
