Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
