Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
She's the barista slut.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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