You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize