how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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