i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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