She went from zero to smokin in five shots
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize
