I accidentally had phone sex last night
I faked an abortion last night.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
