and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
His hands were made for my vagina.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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