fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
