like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
