Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
