After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
