You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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