I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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