Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Randomize
