I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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