eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
