3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
