Someone shit on the floor
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
