She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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