After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i wish my penis had a tongue
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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