Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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