Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
My liver is preforming stress tests.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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