I think i sorta joined a cult last night
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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