So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
