Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
The power of my boobs compel you
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
