I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I puked a lego.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
