Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
