my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
