I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
