you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
