Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
