Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
