I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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