I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
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