Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
