based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
