Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
