our cab driver is having phone sex.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
