How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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