just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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