hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
