my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You have to summon your inner elephant
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
