Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
