I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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