She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
We're too hungover to prance.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
