Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
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