We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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