I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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