Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
