Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
