your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
