I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
