When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
