My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
