I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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