Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
