Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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