i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Randomize