I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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