Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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