I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
